Dazzed and Confused
05.30.08 (7:20 pm) [edit]Oh wow.
He just, he just told me that he use to like me. Then when i would come and talk to him his heart would start beating faster, his knees would ger weaker, and the whole thing people go through when they're in love. Then he toldme he'd convince himself that he woud not ask me out, but everytime he saw me It'd change his mind. He JUST, JUST told me this,2 months later, just like that, dropped it on me like its not even important. So what? You never felt like telling me before? You decided to keep this thing about me a secret and just get over it? Then come up to me and say not going out with me even tho you liked me just helped you figure out that you love so much more what we have!?
AH. i hate it, I hate that you just decided to randomly tell me this. 2 months later, 2 months later, 2 months that are just fucking pointless. I meen why? Why would you tell me something like this if I can't do anything about it? WHY? Did it ever cross your mind I liked YOU. That I wanted a relationship at some point but just BACKED OFF 'cause nothing in the last fucking 5 months happened between us? We became friends, bestfriends. AH
Now you tell me that i got you thinking all night. Wondering how do i get you to do that. All i can figure is that I'm obviously thinking about it TOO. Here I am wondering what would it be if we (out of no blue) became a couple. Here i am with half my side saying " ew " and the other half saying " oh ". Sometimes i get this impulse to just kiss you, not care about anything of where we are, with who we are, just kiss you like that. Then, i sometimes get this feelings of repulsion of "back off". So what do I do? do I just talk and figure nothing will EVER happen? Or do I just kiss you and not care? I'd like to kiss you, just get in a fight and do it. But then again, impulse are more what you want, not what you need. But i don't want to be with you, 'cause summer's coming and everything will be too hard. Its easir being us without the "couple part" anyways we're a couple technicly, we just dont have the labels and the restriction.
So what do i do in this hazzle of confusion? I want to kiss him but I don't want to be with him. Sounds like lust eh? Perhaps its lust for someone i like allot and to whom i feel important...
Me:why can't i just have a boyfriend and not ask all those question... Marianne: 'Cause love hurts.
x's o's
I have to ask, if you're a parent, or a future-career entrepeneur, a buisness man etc... Do you read books about how to become something?
I mean, my parents were the kind to read a book about "how-to-raise-your-t eenager", my bestfriend "how-to-become-a-mil ionnaire-before-turning-3 0" my teacher "how-to-handle-a-cla sse-full-of-angry-teenage rs" and i pass the any books of teachinga and learning by reading. I can't lie, it kinda makes me laugh. There's so many books out there that are trying to teach us something. I mean its very serious, loose weight, get a real man, how to have fun sex, how to turn him into a genius, be a cool yet grounded parents, be the best you, how to cook, how to- how-to you add the title to your how-to.
My guess is the humain mind is in constant search of happiness (after all religions are there to help us live a good life, and an ever better one after). we're always searching for it, we're alway in beleif that our life can be better. We could have more money, we could be better looking, we could be better parents, a better kid, we could havea better relation-ship, we could get a better man... But if we look at this from another point of view, wouldn't the idea of "having better" make us thing we have "less then better". I mean, its very abstract when we think of it, and im sorry if im not understandble (i get that allot) .. But if someone told you " you could have better then this" you would think " o
mg what i have is not good " and then get again, on the quest for better. Its one vicious circle from what i see! But then, what makes me laugh even more is that after all those books creating our trouble, and making them better there's books about "how to appreciate what you have" "how to be at peace with yourself" "how to love what you have". I mean oh-my-god, here's the series of booksTome 1- you have a problem Tome 2- Here's how to fix it Tome 3(when nothing works)- How to appreciate what you still have.
And there's the trilogie of the circle of troubles. Anywas, maybe some of them actually works, i mean i loved the secret (personnaly) and it did kinda change my point of view from life. Ah. Its just all o absurd, then again I'm loooooving it! Its complicated but hey, after all, life is just like this. Its a serial killer in questions.
The most beautiful thing about the world, its the fact that it leaves us with a question mark. That way, we can ponctuate ours (world) the way we want it.
X's and O's Marianne
Help,
05.21.08 (3:22 pm) [edit]
(see how lucky i am, i just deleted this post by accident, this is my second writting)
Help, im in pain. I need change, i need something. I'm hurt, I'm so lonely, and i count the hours before i can go run away in my dreams.
I'm on the verge of quitting my jobi stop my driving lessos,my bestfriend leaving on a trip with her lover, my other bestfriend is happily (ever) in love, my other good friend is getting along with our other friend, my guys bestfriend is a loser and seems to get invited to all the parties (and has another lover), the suppose to be love of my life is not so that anymore, i feel like a million pounds, not a million buck, my back is killing me, my room is a mess, I'm so alone, I'm just me, with my self, with I. And its killing me like you could not even know..
I'm cold, I'm hurt, I'm a shadow of regerts. As i walk down the stairs i can hear the broken pieces clingning in my body who oh boy, looks so built. I'm there staring at this screen hoping the hight of my day's going to be one wonderful dream. I want to change, i need change, i need someone to look too, someone to tell me they love me, someone to keep close to my heart, someone who's gonna keep me stable, and show me shaking grounds, don't mean breaking glass.
But then what, I'm gonna find a new job, practice driving, maybe she'll be with him?, maybe she'll stay with him? Will she still bash about her? Will he fall in lover with his new lover? Will he sleep with her, and love her like i loved him? Will my 3-day works out pay off? Will i get more money? will i decided to majorly clean up my room, sucking every dirt out of it? Will i find somebody to look at me with eyes that shine, and kiss him, touch him, love him, be with him.
Misery loves compagne. What i dumb and true thing to say, here i am miserable, waiting for somebody to give me something. Here i am standing here with my dead arms after work with my hair wet as my heart. My cell being delayed like a bitch, my heart breaking appart but rescothing it self after a brief talk with myself? I need change, i need to do something, i really need.
I need my old job back, practice driving, i have to hope for her, i have to know they stay together, i have to stop bahshin and enjoy my night with them friday, i have to beleive i can be the other girl for him, get over the fact he moved on, and i hurted him. I have to keep working my (belly) ass off, i have to pay back my parents and stop buying, i have to clean up my room saturday, i need to have the courage, i need to put my heart, i need to have faith in the ¸fact that thing will get better with time. But tell myself, that i can't built up a confidence thats not a 100% there right now.
I need to stop crying, say good night and get over my-fucking-self. And yet, I'm scared this is what i do all the time, and I'm just reentering my vicious circle.
I need your help, i need you.
Hot&Sweaty
05.20.08 (2:22 pm) [edit]ouh, ah , oh, damn!
I'm hooot hooot hoooot ! In fact I'M HAVING A FEVER!! Ouuuchh this suuucks ... its like im in a tank top, and there i am with a scarf... Hot ans cold shots runnig through my boody! (Ménopause anyone!;) anyways, beside my sickness i have to say this
I EFFIN HATE drinving.. omg omg omg, i started my lessons, and i HATE it, i'm never driving again, i'm gong to take teh bus 'till i get rich, then have a chauffeur. SCREW the car i'm getting my g2's when im 18.. I have friends and an OC pass.. plus gas is like so expensive! Its like 1,32... Plus a care is like 2034$ soo you know i ahve better money to spend! Thats what i think.
Anyways , for french class i had to write a poem, i was inspired you can imagine! Ended up i have 18 verse (we needed 15) Oh well kinda figure that he's not the one for me at some point.. Hey maybe im having a feeling fever. It all got to my head I'm going cuuuckkoooooo :D
Well this is my post today, and umm yeah, seems like I'm feeling down, i still don't know why... But yeep, it just feels like i am..
PS i did my two weeks of notice letter... Says on it that from jne 19th 'till august 31st i can't wooorrkk bitches!! I'm gonna miss Peter Pan (l)
Well honey, here i am... Single, and oh boy... Its a beautiful sin, and a hardcore cuuurse
xxx- Love you Marianne.
Update: I just dealed with my paretns, i'm officialy stopping my in-car lessons. Fuck that im gonna do it some other time, and i'm about to send my two weeks of notice... so that bad? I mean im getting raid of two things i rem ember jumping up and down for! But, i still have my G1 and my summer job. And I'm not "quitting" more like "absence" for 2 months. I just think the car thing got me crazy, and the job.. got under my skin.. Those things, they didnt help me that much.. The job did tho, gave me good friend and get a good work ethic and all.. But sometime its time to let go.
I need change, i need just, to stop doint stuff i don't want to do. I just feel like i need to become something else then this. Its just too much right now, Its keeping me down when i want to go another way.
xxo.- Marianne, hoping i'll get to kiss a sweet side.
In sight * *
05.19.08 (12:26 pm) [edit]Okay....? So everything is so 'eff up in here! I've been having mood changes every 12 hours! Happy, sad, happy, mad, smart, doubtful ... O M G !!
OKAY STOP . breathe, here's a little thing i'm trying to tell my self!? So i went out to Quebec this weekend to see some old friends! Turned out to be quite a roller coaster eh? And the rush-of-adrenaline wasnt quite worht it! I got a cold out of those up's and down's! So, he (cj) invited her (ap) to prom.... AH , he was suppose to go with me.. Yeah didnt hurt as much as i thought to when i heard about it to be a hundred percent truthful!
Riight now, I'm more having flashback of "the night" cj and I spent together... And yeah, i don't want HER to do that with him. He's not mine, and nobody can be under anywho's possesion. But F U C K she wans to DO HIM! (I didnt even get it that far, i told him no ! AH i rejected him biaatch!") And yeha uhm... I know i hurted him and all (cj) but seriously, grow up litlle people. Life's unfair and you might beleive i dont "deserve" him and she doenst after all those yeahrs of failures.... But look, i love im, and i never love anyone. And yeah they can go all prettied up to prom, but KNOW that when she comes down in that dress, she takes pictures with you, that she's just like your sister. YOUR SISTER ! And yeah, if you don't think that then i'll go for your hotter brother MA who's in the army (god knows how much i'd tap any one of those suit guys!) .
But then here's the truth, it hurts me, it does.. Knowing he's going to be with her, in his suit, her dress, and i reallydon't want them to take those off, and do it for their very first time. It'll kill me, to kno my first love, his first kiss, couldn't atleast have differenet ppl for their first time. She's ready to give you her V card, and i know you got the opportunity in the past, but please, PLEASE don't do that to me. I know i broke you, i know i was drunk, but i love you soooo much and i don't want you to do that with her. I still see it in your eyes, mine still shine when you talk. You didnt change that much, i haven't either. And we know, i beleive we could end up together. We'd be cute, but i love you enough to let you go hun, i love you enough to let you go with her. But i know you cant read me, your cant hear me, or see me now. But please if someone out there, listening, reading, seeying, tell him, to not do that to me.
Tell him that i love him, and that even if its just us as friends, i'll live with it. Tell him , that he's georgous in a white tie, and a black tux. That i might not know him that much, but i know he's not meant to be with her. Maybe not me, but not her.
I love you, from the moment i saw you (6 yrs ago) and i sad " thats him" , from the days we got together when we should not have, the night i was drunk, the days we spent wondering around. Love doenst die, it just does as we change, and we change when our thought arent the one they use to be. So i havent change, you havent change, then its a whole circle we're about to enter. I don't care, i dont want to care, and i wont. But you, YOU , listen closely ,
When you come pick her up in her red dress, know like we talked, mine would of been green. When she touches your white tie, know you wanted it be lime. When you get in the limo, know our way would obviously been cooler (in a train for kids!) . When you dance , remember our tango lessons, when you drink, remember the night i got drunk. If you kiss, remember that i kissed you in the water, under the water, on a chair, agaisnt a wall, and up the door, for three fuckin hous. When she smile, see my twinkle in her eyes, when a song comes up, remember i helped you choose them. When she walks, remember i'm not taller then you, while she is. And if you go in bed with her, if you dare too.Remember that i said id do it with you this year, that id love too, but i didnt want to do it now. That i'm discrete while she's not.
So when i said to you today " don't get in the hospital " rather see you there then in that bed, and when i whispered wih a wink to you " take care of her" i had a teary eye. And your smile was nice enough to make me happy. Make me smile. And i hipe you knew i meant " careful, she likes you "
xxx- 'love Marianne.
&&good as i keep singning
05.13.08 (6:50 pm) [edit]Sooo i have like 16 classes (x4) left before the effin end of the year! Anxious you say? Oh my you bet! But 'till now notes have been, good.. gotta keep up the head and the goals right? I'm lookin online for some good songs to "do it" on! My god, sex must be boring for people! there song are sooo soft, and gentle and sweet!
What about those hot songs you hear, who make you want to be push on a wall!? I want one of THOSE!!! Ah. Call me a tough lover, i'll give you a run for you money! As i'm watching "hells kitchen" and slash doing this... Well im waiting for a text from M. Stupid idiot, i hate knowing i care too much about him. I'm kinda wondering how will make it this summer? enought that the stupid N. Bitch is like harassing him.. >.< I'm not jealous, just scared im going to loose him! But hey, his life right? We aint a couple!
Plus i might have a newly-updated crush! Yeah good bye Peter Pan, im not up for never land, more for ... well N's land :) (how ironic..both start with n;) yepp maybe (MAYBE) i'm crushin (yes K. and C. you're right!) on this blue eye brown hair, fucking nice body guy!! He'S sweet, and he's got a body... Hey honey, i can do one of those!!
Well, yeah this is it... I'm not to sure what to write about, i know nobodies really reading, i just kinda need somebody to type to? And if this is internet, then internet.. dear, you're one kind of a listener (l) Haha. :) I've been working out more lately! So yep, hope i'll keep doing it good :D lots of love.
PS im going to the cottage this weekend! Can't wait to see my friends :) Thought so, i hope this summer's going to be gooooood
Dead ends
05.01.08 (5:17 am) [edit]So My friend and i got into a little talk a couple day's before. She asked me what is the worst thing that an happen to somebody (socialy wise) and i said Boredum.
it leads to Dead ends. Like this morning, i saw my friend with whom i had a fight...(to be 100% truthfull, we're fine now...But i figure out figthing with him got me lying, and talking to him the way i talk to my parents... he has a big X on his face right now for "relationship wise")
We often get to the point in our life where we reach the option A B C or D . So choosing between different opportuities leads us somewhere all the time. Thought so, when somebody reach a dead end its a whole new story.
You may turn back and walk all the way to you past intersection, or start walking a unknown road. The road to sucess in life is always under-construction, so may you reach to the ground, grab a shovel and start diggind dirt out.
Otherwise you'll have to find yourself a new something to do. 'cause in this time of the year, things just easily start to reach and end. But as a former philosophe would say, the ends means a new begining. So now i ask you : Now that you'ved reach the complete dead end in your life, and have decided to not start a new road on this highway - - Bitches, lets take a road trip. PS. Here's to you P. I'm sorry, you say i can't lie. And if you think our fight ad my explainations we're entirely truthfull i'll put it this way. I don't lie, I act. And right now, you've reach the stop sign, the red light, the U-turn.
'Cause im already gone.